Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder!

Insults! One of my favorite common pastime's is now a homework assignment and I couldn't be happier to bite my thumb at thee. Shakespeare, as you all have probably figured it out by now, was to insults what Michael Jordan was to basketball... unnaturally good and made it look like child's play. In today's modern world, the art of insulting someone eloquently and wittily has lost its charm. Insults these days are unoriginal, uninspired and overly vulgar. 

I've always wanted to insult someone in the language of Shakespeare. If pulled off correctly, most people wouldn't have a clue as to which language you're speaking. 

Try reading these with Samuel L. Jackson's voice in your head.  

-Cockered hell-hated pignut

-Yeasty fly bitten barnacle

-Errant rude-growing pigeon egg

While constructing this list, it reminded me of another figure who uses great insults in today's popular culture. I'm talking about Groundskeeper Willie from The Simpsons of course!

-You blouse-wearing poodle-walker!

-Ye croquet-playin' mint-muncher!

-You ruined the atmosphere, you daft pansy!

-(Referring to head-lice) See you in hell, you wingless bloodsuckers!  

After you read this post, I feel like most of you will be thinking something along these lines.

"What you just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even anything close to what may be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Travis